Save Me Some

In one of his stand-up specials, George Lopez has a skit about Mexican’s always saying, “save me some,” if someone was eating  and they couldn’t make it in time to join. I frequently say “save me some” in every day life, though I’m pretty sure no one actually gets the reference.

When I became vegan at the end of 2012 I had a hard time adjusting – both the detoxing of my body from all the animal products, hormones, and overall garbage American’s subject themselves to via diet, and also because daaaaamn, I love me some pepperoni pizza with tons of cheese! It took about two months for me to physically and mentally stop craving non-vegan foods. Sure, I still think my friend’s slice of pizza looks good, or the cheeseburger in the commercial is probably fucking delicious, but I won’t eat it.

One of the hardest things for me in my change from omnivore to herbivore was getting these new-to-me foods that were kind of special, and actually eating them. Here’s this spiffy package of all-organic, non-GMO, vegan, kosher, gluten-free food and in my head I kept thinking, “you shouldn’t eat that right now. Save it for later. Make it last.”. I did that when I was an omnivore, too. I’d get a certain thing I liked that was maybe pricey or hard to find. It would be a treat, so I’d want to savor it as long as possible, then I’d end up wasting half of it because I would “save it” for so long it would go bad. I really fucked up, huh?

As I changed my diet I found myself doing the same thing. I’ll get some really awesome chips that it took me forever to find, then I bring it home and don’t eat it right away. Now that I’m about 90% herbivore (I do eat honey, a lot of vegans don’t, and sometimes I  slip up and eat bread, donuts, or a meat replacement that contains egg or milk, but I try to be very limited with that) I’ve gotten a lot better with it. I think I’m changing how I think about food and my association with food and eating.

I’ve been overweight my entire life. Not because I don’t know better, but because, dammit, I love food. I think, like many Americans, I have seen food as a reward (If you get all A’s we’ll go eat at your favorite restaurant!), as a comfort (it’s just me and this box of mac n’ cheese tonight. Awwwww yeahhhh!), and as something to do when I’m bored (Might as well eat this bag of sour cream and cheddar chips while I do laundry!). Now, things are different.

The change in my diet has helped begin retraining my brain to think of food as fuel for my body. I don’t eat GIANT meals anymore. Instead I eat about 5 times per day, ideally. Sometimes that’s hard with work, because I can’t stop working to go heat something up, but I do try to take desk-friendly snacks with me to allow for about 3 meals during work hours (including breakfast, because I am not a morning person and cannot wake up, get ready, and still have enough time to sit at home and eat breakfast and actually get to work on time).

A few years ago a doctor, of course, brought up my weight during a non-weight related doctor’s appointment, but something he said stuck with me. He said that someone like me, who has been overweight their whole life, sees portions different than someone who has been thin or fit their whole life. If you asked me and a lifelong thin person to portion out 4 ounces of chicken into a bowl, my portion would consistently be close to double the correct amount. At first I thought that was total crap, then I thought about it, and I honestly think it’s true. Portion control has always been my worst nightmare.

Today, with the help of using consistently portioned containers, I feel like I have mostly defeated the part of my brain that has no grasp of proper portions. The container of chili I take to work for lunch may be larger than a “normal” portion, however, I know I’m always eating the same amount at each meal because I made my work lunches a week at a time and they go into 5 evenly portioned containers that I take out of the fridge each morning. I can also tell the difference when I don’t use a portioning container, or I go out to eat, because I get full a heck of a lot faster now.

If you stuck with me this long, I appreciate it. Know that I don’t say any of this to point and laugh at anyone. I say it because this is something I’ve struggled with my entire life and I feel like I’m making actual progress with my weight and health in general. I’m proud of myself. No, I don’t think everyone needs to be a vegan (though it would be nice, because then I could find more things to eat!), I just think everyone should be concerned about their health.

Around 9 months into this, from solely changing my diet, I’m down about 45 lbs, between 2 and 3 pants sizes, and over one full shirt size (From a 2x-3x, depending on the cut, to a XL-2x, depending on the cut. I have big boobs and wide shoulders, some things just don’t work for me.) The only working out I’ve done thus far is one hour of weekly beginner’s level yoga that started in June. Within the next month I’ll be joining a gym, really my town’s rec center, and will begin by working out 3x per work, concentrating on cardio and light weight work.

I’m 35 years old and still weigh just over 300 lbs. I have never been, and will never be, a model or an athlete. What I can be is a healthier me so I don’t die before 40 from a heart attack, or develop diabetes, high blood pressure, or any other myriad of health issues that can come from either being overweight and/or not taking care of yourself. Most importantly, I made these changes to my life for ME. Not to “get a man”, or impress my friends, or fit into some ridiculously tiny dress for a social event I don’t care about. I did this for me, to improve my quality of life.

I’ll also note that I do think these changes have helped my Bipolar. I feel better about myself because I’ve accomplished something I never thought I would (weight loss, wearing smaller, more normal sized clothes), and that good feeling really does carry over into other areas. I’m more confident now, maybe not a ton, but a little, because I don’t feel like such a freak by my outward appearance.

Sometimes I feel like Dexter

In 2008 I saw my first episode of Dexter in a class. I am now a fan of the show and have seen everything released to date. One thing stuck out at me during the first viewing of the first episode, and it is this quote:

“People fake a lot of human interactions, but I feel like I fake them all, and I fake them very well. That’s my burden, I guess.” – Dexter Morgan, “Dexter”

I remember telling my counselor at the time that I felt like Dexter because I felt like I was faking being “normal” and having proper emotions in order to fit in. No, I am not a serial killer, and I don’t think I’m a sociopath, I just have poor social skills, which were even worse at the time. Most of the blame for those feelings, or lack of feelings, goes on the medications I was on for years. Controlling Bipolar meant I became an emotional zombie. I didn’t really like anything, or have interests, nothing made me feel.

For the first couple of years off meds I still didn’t feel. I had to relearn how to be around people, how to be around myself. It was really hard, and it still is. I still don’t have what I consider to be proper human emotions. I imagine part of that is because I’m not medicated, so as my moods swing, things are weird. I do a pretty good job of keeping myself “normal” at work because I like being employed and being able to pay my bills. I spent years unable to work or do anything productive. I don’t want to be in that place again if I can help it.

However, now, I don’t like all these feelings and shit. There’s too many for me to process, though I’m sure far fewer than normal people have. Sometimes I get really overwhelmed, or I just don’t know what to do with feelings. It sucks. There are days I have to isolate myself. If I’m at work I try to listen to music or something and not talk to anyone unless it’s absolutely necessary. If I’m at home I hide in my room with no lights on and watch tv.

Being around people is difficult for me, yet I really want to be in a romantic relationship. How do I do that? How do I expect someone else to deal with everything that’s me, when half the time I don’t even know how to myself?

“I would give everything to feel nothing again.” – Dexter Morgan, “Are We There Yet?”

Stupid Words

There are a number of words that I hate. Hate as in when I see people using them I want to yell at them for them. Let’s go through a few of them, k?

Literally – I think I hate this word because I see so many people using it incorrectly, or just overusing it. I get that some people don’t understand the difference between figurative and literal and that they’re going to say, “I am literally burning up” when it’s 100+ degrees out, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. And actually, I can live with that misuse, it’s the people that feel the need to say they literally did something multiples times per week or day! “I was literally sitting at work and my boss asked me to do something!” Well no shit! That’s what happens! The “literally” was not needed in that sentence. Please stop before my head literally explodes!

Coping – I have a friend who uses some form of the word cope every single day and it grates on my nerves. “I just can’t cope today. My kid is sick, I’m tired, I feel fat, I have a long commute. How am I supposed to cope with this?” and it just goes on and on. You know how you “cope” with this? Fucking be an adult and live life, because we’re all going through the exact same things. Shitty things happen in our lives, that’s just how being a human works. Maybe you expected to have a better paying or more fulfilling career, maybe you didn’t think you’d be divorced, or a single parent, but hey, you aren’t the only one in the world going through this. I bet you aren’t even the only person on your street going through it!

Stop playing the “I can’t cope” game and take responsibility for the way you lived your life in the past and what brought you to your current situation. I made some VERY bad decisions when I was younger, some due to my Bipolar, some due to being an idiot young adult, however, eventually I owned those mistakes, or at least learned to accept them and put them in the past, and have made small strides over the last 5-6 years to change my life for the better. Guess what? IT’S WORKED! Am I where I want to be/thought I would be? Of course not, but I’m better off now than I was in 2007 because I made the choice to start doing things differently. Little by little I’ve been able to change my life and dammit, I’m proud of myself for that. I also truly believe that EVERYONE can do that if change is something they truly want.

Trigger – Another psychology word that I loathe. It’s right on par with “coping” for me, honestly. I hate when people whine about triggers. About a tv show, movie, book, short story, or whatever else being a “trigger”. Not that I don’t think it’s valid, I realize there are situations we can get into that will bring back terrible, or good, memories, and send us to places that we don’t need to be emotionally. I myself actually have a trigger – I can’t do the glaucoma test at the eye doctor because, to me, the sound of the air being shot into my eye sounds like a gun going off. My friend was murdered in ninth grade, she was shot in the face. Ever since then my brain associates that sound with her murder, even though I wasn’t present when it happened. So, yes, I understand that weird things can make you have bad thoughts.

My issue with this word is over or improper use. Calm the fuck down, people, not everything is a “trigger” or should have a warning about “triggers”. I don’t expect the eye doctor’s office to have a notice about possible triggers on their door, that’s just fucking ridiculous. I simply decline to do that test and request the alternative, and I’ve never had an eye doctor decline my request. In fact, last time I told them why I couldn’t do it, the doctor was very understanding and said she has patients who are police officers and can’t do it for similar reasons. Suddenly, I didn’t feel like a freak for being frightened of a routine eye exam!

Please understand I’m not mocking anyone in regards to these words.  I guess my issue with them harkens back to my issue with people not being accountable for their actions. Yes, we are Bipolar, or Schizophrenic, or any other number of mental disorders, but the fact remains that we are also contributing members of society. We hold jobs, we volunteer, we are parents, we are spouses, we are children…. we matter. Personally, I get angry when people aren’t accountable for their illness. Accept the fact that this disease, this Bipolar, is a part of who you are and who you will be, but don’t blame all of your failures on this disease, because you are still capable of making your own decisions.

Don’t blame what may happen in your future on what did happen in your past. If you are able to read and comprehend this, if you are making the effort to understand and control your illness, if you write about your disease, then you are already miles ahead of the people who see mental illness as a prison they will never escape from.

I may not be stronger than Bipolar in the long run, but I can defeat parts of it each day.

What is “slut shaming”?

For a few years I’ve had my, mostly feminist-type, friends all in an uproar over slut shaming. “Let sluts be sluts!” they say.

OK, fine, if you choose to be a “slut”, regardless of your gender, then be one. However, if you are doing it by choice, saying yes, I choose to sleep with random strangers, have feelings-free sexual encounters, or whatever it is people think sluts do, you should also be held accountable for your actions. There is no so-called shame in being accountable for your actions.

But if “slut shaming” is me calling you out because, for example, you have a girlfriend that you have publicly acknowledged, yet you also solicit naked photos of other women, behind her back, or have sex with other women, behind her back… then yes, you are a fucking slut. At least be man/woman enough to admit what you’re doing is shady. My issue isn’t with your being a slut, it’s with you not owning up to what you do.

Accountability is something everyone should have. If you smoke crack and steal, ya know what? At least admit it. Sure, smoking crack and stealing is something you should be ashamed of, but the point is accountability.

Have we gotten so PC and non-confrontational that we’re saying, “oh no, sweetie, it’s cool that you just sucked 37 dicks in the club and the video is on WorldStar for everyone to see!”? I mean, really. Is it because this is “the internet” and nothing is taken seriously that these sorts of things are ok?

Call me old fashioned, but if you wouldn’t show the pic/video to your grandma, maybe you shouldn’t post it on the internet. Because if you wouldn’t show your grandma, you’re likely ashamed of your actions. Grandma will still love you if you’re a whore, but probably shouldn’t see the YouPorn of you sucking those 37 dicks. Get it?

Also, “sluts” should stick together. If you’re a slut and you know it (clap your hands!), stick with your own kind. There are plenty of human beings of all genders who want nothing more than casual sex and the like. There are also plenty of human beings of all genders who want actual relationships. Stay with your own kind. Sluts who prey upon the relationship types are seriously fucking over the folks who want relationships. Relationship types who go for sluts generally think they can “change” the slut. No, sorry. Won’t happen.

I’m sure that at some point the sluts do desire actual relationships, and can easily settle into that. Good for them. But you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to, regardless of what it is you’re trying to change. If someone isn’t ready to stop drinking, they won’t accept your help. If someone isn’t ready to lose weight, they won’t accept your help. If someone isn’t ready to stop fucking people in nightclub bathrooms, they won’t accept your help. Period. End of story.

My point? I’m not sure. I guess I’m just sick of people crying about “slut shaming” when they really should be crying about lack of accountability. There is no shame in being a slut. There is also no shame in wanting nothing more than a meaningful, committed relationship.

New Fuckitall!

I feel like absolute crap mentally and emotionally, maybe even a little bit physically.

No idea why I’m so low and uneven right now.  I suppose I’m sick of being marginalized and ignored by my “friends”. Everyone says, “oh, it’s great that my friends only want me around when they need something”, and that isn’t even how I feel. I feel like my problems and issues just don’t matter to them.

I will give my all to my friends when they’re down or need an ear. Is it wrong to expect the same in return? For weeks I’ve been listening to my friends, offering advice when I thought it may help, or at least trying to help them see both sides of an issue. But if I’m low and down, nothing. All I get is, “oh, that sucks,” “sorry to hear that,” and other standard issue answers.

There is nothing more insincere in my eyes than an internet “*hugs*” from someone, particularly when that’s their only response anytime something happens. Well… thanks for caring the absolute  least someone could! Sure, sometimes you don’t know what to say, but someone you’ve known for years should at least be able to put together a sentence, or a few actual words.

Really, I just hate people. Just fucking hate them. I’m sorry I’ve given you my heart, given you heartfelt advice, and genuinely cared about you, when you obviously have never felt the same. Just fuck off.

Voices in my head

Not my head, really, my best friend’s head. I’ve mentioned before that my best friend, my person, is bipolar and schizophrenic. She has personalities, and I’ve met some of them. Some of them I interact with. But I always hate when I get a text from one of the personalities, because it means something is wrong.

Today I got one. Thankfully it wasn’t horrible. The personality that usually contacts me is a guy and, it may sound crazy (ha ha, see what I did there?!) but I always know when it’s not her texting me. It sounds different, the sentence structure is different. So this male personality told me that my friend will be gone for a bit, but everything is ok. I’m glad she has more good personalities than bad.

It just sucks because sometimes I feel like I’m the cause of personality switches. She’ll be fine, then we’ll talk a few days in a row, and then it seems like something happens. I feel guilty. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to her when things are good because I’m afraid an episode will be my fault. That’s so unfair of me, too.

The best or worst idea ever

Ummm, so that guy I’ve had a mad crush on for over a year? I think I just asked him on a date and he said yes and I may be quietly freaking out and on the verge of a panic attack. Thank god I ended up basically doing this over instant messenger and not in person. Much less awkwardness for rejection.

The hard part is over.

Now… what the hell do people do on dates? O.o