Turning Points

I frequently read a blog called Marc and Angel Hack Life that is positive and can be quite uplifting, without being overly preachy or cheerleadery. It’s a good, positive blog that also uses Twitter to RT other positive blogs and such.

Today they RT’d a post titled “What was the biggest turning point in your life?”. This article referenced the creator of Wikipedia and how he succeeded, etc., however, I immediately started thinking about turning points in my life. I don’t know if I’ve had that one big turning point, be it professional or personal, but I know I’ve experienced small ones that have helped shape who I am today.

To paraphrase, the post said how rarely is life one big turning point (i.e. I was just discovered singing on the street and now have a record deal) and is more about how the small decisions you make every day shape your life down the road. I absolutely agree with this!

For me there have been many small turning points, but I think I’ll just briefly discuss two more recent happenings that I truly feel have made me who I am today.

First, about 3-4 years ago I made the conscious decision to stop being negative. I was a very negative person – everything sucked, I hated myself and everyone around me, yet I constantly wondered why everything in my life was awful. Duh, self, it’s because if you swim in this pool of negativity you’ll always be surrounded by it! So, I stopped. I became negative about negativity. This was not easy or an overnight process, either. It was probably close to year a consciously working on changing my entire frame of mind about life that I finally saw positive things coming my way.

I didn’t like who I was, and the way I figured that out was seeing these traits in people I should have, or did, admire. Like my father. We’ve never been close, my parents divorced when I was very young, but about 4-5 years ago I saw him for the first time in a decade and saw how he was interacting with people. He would cut them off mid-conversation because he wasn’t “through talking yet” and basically was a gigantic a-hole jerk. I was appalled, not just because this was my father, but because I realized, “holy shit, I do these things too!”. I was mortified at this reflection of my own behavior. That is the moment I made the decision to change my outlook on life.

Now, I live my life with a PMA (positive mental attitude). Yes, things still suck and go wrong, but I don’t let it get to me. Just because you step in a puddle or have a bad day at work or a friend says something rude to you doesn’t mean that small incident will matter in 6 months or a year. If that’s the case, why let it suck all of your positive energy out now, when you know in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter.

The second turning point in my life happened about 6 months after I’d made this decision to change my mindset. I ended up in the ER and had to have immediate surgery to remove tumor attached to my ovary (the ovary was also removed and the tumor ended up being non-cancerous). I know I’ve mentioned this surgery before and it truly was a life-changing experience. It was the first time I ever thought I literally might die. I have a deep fear of doctors/dentists and had never had an I.V., much less surgery, before this. I recall telling my surgeon beforehand that I was scared I wouldn’t wake up. She said I would, and she was right.

Female readers will understand how delicate the balance of hormones is. Now imagine getting one of your ovaries removed and all of your hormone-regulating girly parts jiggled about in surgery. Oh, and don’t forget that you’re also unmedicated bipolar. It was, in a word, awful, both physically and emotionally. Healing from any type of invasive surgery is tough (this was not laproscopic, it was cut open your abdomen surgery) on you physically. I couldn’t do anything for myself for weeks. My roommate even would make me soup and stuff because I couldn’t stand long enough to do it.

Healing from female-type surgery is double hard because it throws your hormones all out of whack. I had just about as bad of a time with this as I could imagine anyone having. Usually during the daytime I was ok, but once it was nighttime I would be hit with a crushing dive into depression that I don’t know how I survived. I would sit in my room and cry (and I’m not a crier) and wonder what was wrong with me and what I’d done wrong to deserve this giant tumor and why my life sucked and I couldn’t work or get any disability or food stamps while I healed, etc.

I was also the most paranoid person on the planet. The paranoia would make giant leaps of ridiculousness. For example, I’d call my mom, she didn’t answer. The logical “she’s at work” or “she’s out doing something” went right out the window and immediately became, “OMG my mom is dead in her house and no one is there! Should I call the local sheriff’s to go by the house and check on her? What if the cats are eating her body!?”. No, I’m not exaggerating, that’s how it went.

Luckily I have some incredible friends, one in particular who I would text frequently and she would help talk me through those low-lows. I don’t think I would’ve made it through that without her, because it was some of the most irrational paranoia, depression, and fear I’ve ever experienced.

Those two events were turning points in my life in completely different ways, but have also taught me a lot in a short number of years about who I am and who I want to be.

I want to be the friend someone can call at 2am because they’re hurting and need someone to talk to who will listen and try to help them turn a negative into a positive. I want to live my life in a positive way so I don’t drive people away like I used to. I want to keep the friends I currently have and have them be proud to be my friend. I want to be proud of the way I live my life. Lastly, I want to love myself for the first time since I was a kid. #PMA