Let’s be alone together

Cut me off
I lost my track
It’s not my fault
I’m a maniac it’s not funny anymore
No it’s not
My heart is like a stallion
They love it more when it’s broke in
Do you wanna feel beautiful
Do you wanna

“Alone Together” – Fall Out Boy

I am absolutely sick of being alone. I’ve never been one of those people who think that if I’m not in a relationship I’m not complete, or whatever. I’m don’t think, “oh, I’ll never be happy unless I’m with someone”. No, it’s not that at all.

After many years separated from my ex, about 14 actually, and before you say, “wow, how pathetic are you?”, keep in mind that my Bipolar came crushing down on me a year or two after we split and for many years I was simply struggling to stay alive. That point in my life was no time for romantic relationships, I could barely keep friendships going.

I learned a lot being with my ex. Most importantly I learned the person I do NOT want to be in a relationship. I was also 19 when we started dating – young and dumb – and those were mistakes I needed to make to grow into the person I am today. For all my stupidity back then, it was actually a good time in my life.

Now I know what I want and need in my life. I know what I will not put up with, and I have enough life experience under my belt to be able to say, “I like you, you’re a good person, but a relationship between us will never work because you don’t have enough respect for our relationship”. I don’t think enough women, in particular, are willing to say that or back it up.

Women are taught from an early age that we require a man in our lives to complete us, to rescue us, or that we aren’t complete women until we have a husband and children. Sorry, that’s incorrect.

All women (and men) need to do what’s right for them as individual human beings. Some of us will never marry, and that’s ok. Some of us may marry or be in committed relationships but never have children, and that’s ok. Some of us will have kids and never marry, and that’s ok.  There is no universal right answer.

It’s ok to be a slut! Just be honest about your sluttery. Don’t lead people on and make them think you want a relationship just to sleep with them. There are plenty of folks who only want physical relationships, and that’s totally cool. The same on the other side, all you monogamists. Don’t try to “change” the sluts, there’s nothing wrong with them! Basically, what I’m saying here is don’t fuck over or fuck up someone else because you’re insecure about who you are. Celebrate who you are, it’s ok to be you!

But back to my original topic…

I know that I’m a monogamist with a few slutty tendencies (nothing wrong with a threesome from time to time, right?). I also know that I want a partner, most likely male, who believes the same things I do about relationships. Yes, I want to get married eventually, no, I don’t really want to have kids. I don’t think traditional gender roles are cool (unless it’s killing spiders, cause bro, that’s all you!), and I don’t think relationships should be “equal”. Relationships should be 100% from both sides. Why would I only give the person I love half of me? Makes no sense. I’m all in.

I’m kind of lucky because I’m close with someone who thinks the same way as I do about relationships, however, I’m pretty sure he only thinks of me as a friend. I’m too shy and insecure to put myself out there to potentially lose the person who has become my best friend. Funny thing is recently another guy has shown interest, and he’s someone I’d really only want a physical relationship with. It feels so good to be wanted, even for sex (and I don’t feel “used” because it’s a mutual thing). We’ve made some plans and I’m all for it. Then I start feeling guilty, like I’d be cheating on the first guy, yet we aren’t even going out. I can’t stand cheaters and don’t want to be that person, even by accident.

What the hell do I do?