In 2008 I saw my first episode of Dexter in a class. I am now a fan of the show and have seen everything released to date. One thing stuck out at me during the first viewing of the first episode, and it is this quote:
“People fake a lot of human interactions, but I feel like I fake them all, and I fake them very well. That’s my burden, I guess.” – Dexter Morgan, “Dexter”
I remember telling my counselor at the time that I felt like Dexter because I felt like I was faking being “normal” and having proper emotions in order to fit in. No, I am not a serial killer, and I don’t think I’m a sociopath, I just have poor social skills, which were even worse at the time. Most of the blame for those feelings, or lack of feelings, goes on the medications I was on for years. Controlling Bipolar meant I became an emotional zombie. I didn’t really like anything, or have interests, nothing made me feel.
For the first couple of years off meds I still didn’t feel. I had to relearn how to be around people, how to be around myself. It was really hard, and it still is. I still don’t have what I consider to be proper human emotions. I imagine part of that is because I’m not medicated, so as my moods swing, things are weird. I do a pretty good job of keeping myself “normal” at work because I like being employed and being able to pay my bills. I spent years unable to work or do anything productive. I don’t want to be in that place again if I can help it.
However, now, I don’t like all these feelings and shit. There’s too many for me to process, though I’m sure far fewer than normal people have. Sometimes I get really overwhelmed, or I just don’t know what to do with feelings. It sucks. There are days I have to isolate myself. If I’m at work I try to listen to music or something and not talk to anyone unless it’s absolutely necessary. If I’m at home I hide in my room with no lights on and watch tv.
Being around people is difficult for me, yet I really want to be in a romantic relationship. How do I do that? How do I expect someone else to deal with everything that’s me, when half the time I don’t even know how to myself?
“I would give everything to feel nothing again.” – Dexter Morgan, “Are We There Yet?”
Nomadic Head 