Just an FYI to my dear readers that it’ll be about two weeks until I’m able to post again. Going on vacation and will not have a computer or internet access. Bringing my paper journal and a pen along to tide me over.
🙂
Slight disappointment
The aforementioned “lunch date” ended up not happening because he had a prior work-related thing to do. Maybe I’m glad? Maybe I’m not? I’m slightly disappointed, I suppose, just because I think it would’ve been nice. However, there’s a company-wide lunch event tomorrow, so there could be the possibility of us lunching together at that.
I don’t know why I even care. No, wait, yes I do… I’m sick of being alone. While I’m not alone-alone, I have my friends and the people I care about, I’m one of only a handful of my immediate friends who isn’t in a relationship. And dammit, all of my friends in relationships are in good, positive ones with great people and they’re ridiculously cute and all that shit. I want that.
I’m fairly positive this will never happen for me.
Otherwise I’m doing fairly well as far as moods go. A little rollercoastery, but nothing too drastic. Things are positive because I have a vacation coming up starting next week. I’m very much looking forward to it and can’t wait to be with family and friends and away from my home for a bit. Nomadic Head doesn’t just describe my Bipolar brain, it’s how I am. I hate being stuck somewhere, even if the place I’m stuck (my home) is good for me because it means I have a place to live and a good job. I want to be out exploring and doing things, sometimes, and I want to be able to pick up and go when I get the urge.
I actually have always felt like I’m constantly running away. I moved a lot as a kid, nearly a new school every year from K-6, then two schools 6-12. Since then I’ve moved out of state twice, but come back, and the only time I didn’t feel like running was in my lowest-low when I didn’t leave my house. The thought of being out in the world was too unbearable. Now that I’m “better” I have the running urges again. How do I fight them? Sometimes I just want to fill the car with gas and drive to nowhere in particular. I really should do that every once in awhile, to soothe the urges.
Lunch date?
After a positive, self-confidence building weekend, I took my chances today and asked he new nerd hot guy at work if he’d like to have lunch together. He couldn’t today, but asked if we could tomorrow. I was like, hell yes! Normally I would never be that bold (even though that isn’t very bold to most people), but it seemed like the time to do it, especially after us sharing some interests and him saying he’d like to attend one of the events I work on weekends.
Now I’m freaking out a little. What do I say? What do I do? Will he be grossed out by my vegan lunch?!
The hard part is over, and now is the part where I worry constantly that he’ll change his mind and likely try to think of ways to get out of this myself by about 11:30 tomorrow morning.
Before anyone says it, I realize the whole ‘dating in the workplace’ is a terrible idea, but I’m honestly not expecting that situation at all. At best I’m hoping to have a friend at work I can lunch with sometimes.
Lost and Flailing
Every day I feel like I’m losing a battle with my mind. I’m just out here flailing my arms and no one can see me.
Fuzzy brain day, which helped me very little at work, but I managed to get a respectable amount of shit done and no one really noticed. Days like today I’m glad I can more or less get lost in a sea of paperwork. Even if I’m doing it slowly, I’m getting things done, and that’s what counts when it comes to my job.
How can I describe a fuzzy brain day? It’s similar to a medicated-fuzzy brain, I suppose, I’m just not on meds (some days that’s good, some days not so much, but it’s my decision). I just get jumbled. I mix things up. Like, I know how to do A, B, and C, but days like today I might get some of the steps for C mixed in with A, so it all ends up wrong.
I can’t make decisions because of it. Something as simple as what I’ll have for dinner is a painful ordeal that takes far too long. I’ll come home already hungry, then it takes me two hours to decide what I’ll actually eat, then I have to cook it, so by the time I can eat I’m just starving and feel fucking awful and hate everything. Apparently today I had low blood sugar when I got home from work, my left hand was shaking and I felt a little lightheaded and sweaty, figured out I should eat so I had a banana, a fruit and grain type bar thing, and a big glass of water – I’m not diabetic, despite being overweight, so I’m not used to things like that happening. Felt fine within twenty minutes then also made dinner.
Of course, anything health related tips off my super paranoid brain. Now I’m wondering if diabetes can just sneak up on you, one day you don’t have it, then the next you do. There have to be warning signs. Right? If it happens again tonight or tomorrow then I’ll be more concerned and probably go to the hospital or something. I don’t know. If I do that, I might as well get my gallbladder removed too. Just take all my parts!
I still can’t focus. I’m kind of… angry… and sad… but for no real reason. I feel like no one cares about me nearly as much as I care about them and I don’t know why. I’m a good person. People should like me.
I’m just lost. Nothing is right.
Romance Downward Spiral
Lately my mind has been preoccupied with the idea of love. I love love. Most of my friends are in relationships, are very happy, and that makes me truly happy. I want that too and I’m pretty certain it will never happen.
I know the old adage says that love will find you when you aren’t looking for it. I call bullshit. I spent years not looking, mainly because I was getting control over my Demons. So those love gurus are full of shit.
I’m not what most, if any, are looking for in a woman. I realize that. But damn, when I see some folks who are in relationships I wonder how fucked up I must really be if they can find someone and I can’t. I’m not even thinking, “oh, I’ll meet someone today and in a year we’ll be married”. No. All I’d like is a date. Not so much to ask, right, for someone to simply show interest?
Doom, gloom…. that’s all I’ve got. And a cat.
I’m scared I’ll die a spinster having never known love. Actually, I’m positive I will.
It’s My Obsession
In talking to a friend about likes/dislikes, it occurred to me that I currently don’t have an obsession.
See, I don’t know if it’s a Bipolar thing or what, but I tend to find something, let’s say an actor or TV show, and I get super obsessed with it. I must have every movie/show that actor has ever done, or see every episode of the show. I’ll power-watch seasons of TV shows just so I’ve seen everything. All of my free-time thoughts are consumed with this show/actor. Then… my interest dwindles, and eventually I find a new obsession.
In recent memory my obsessions have been: actors Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Billy Burke, and Timothy Omundson; learning to cook; Batman movies; re-watching all of Frasier and LOST; planning the ultimate baseball road trip; Korean dramas; winter holiday-themed movies; drawing; comic books; making a daily journal; dinosaurs; meeting musical artists I like…. there are surely more but those are the ones I can remember.
Sometimes my obsessions last a few weeks, sometimes they last many, many months. As you can see, these things can get quite expensive if I don’t keep myself in check. Thank god there’s an internet so I can look at pictures and do research for free. Oh, that’s another thing, I’ll research the crap out of things for no reason at all other than I feel it’s my duty to know everything about them.
Right now, however, I don’t really have a “thing” I’m obsessing about and honestly, it’s kind of a weird and uncomfortable feeling. It’s almost like being stuck on the precipice of a manic swing and not being able to tip over or walk away from it. For me it almost seems like the obsession can keep me grounded in some way. Even if it’s something totally bizarre, it’s one thing for me to stay focused on and that helps me feel connected and normal.
Is this kind of obsessing common amongst my fellow Bipolars?
The No Movie Mandate
My job is pretty great, as far as pay, benefits, the people I work with, and how the company treats us. I’ve had a lot of jobs that failed on all of those accounts, so I was really happy to find a place that had all of them. It’s a boring, 9-5 office job, and I really love it. A lot of people find that kind of routine stifling, and I can definitely relate, however, for me it’s kind of calming. I know that no matter what shitstorm is going on in my head, in my body, I can go to work and I can usually get away from it for 8 hours.
The routine is calming, I suppose. Of course, it helps that I have a job I can leave at work. If I had one where I came home with work every day, or had to work weekends and overtime, I’d probably feel differently.
Anyway, one of my favorite things with this job has always been that I can listen to music or watch movies on my iPod. Boring data entry type jobs afford one that luxury, I suppose. Music, or sound in general, helps me focus. I think I’ve mentioned that pesky six-year-old that lives in my head and told you guys how some music or a familiar movie helps occupy that kid so I can take care of what I need to.
This week my whole department got an email from the boss that said “I don’t want to see anyone watching movies or tv shows online on their phones anymore. It’s a distraction, yadda, yadda”. The smartass part of me wanted to point out that I’m not watching online or on my phone, my movies are loaded on my iPod. I doubt that would’ve been appreciated.
On one hand I do understand that for “normal” people it can definitely be a distraction, the same way someone playing music too loudly at an adjacent desk is distracting. One the other, I know what works for me, I’ve been watching movies on my iPod since I started this job, and I think my work performance speaks for itself. For me it’s not a distraction at all, the sounds of the office are a distraction. I need to occupy that six-year-old so I can focus on my grown-up work.
But what can ya do, ya know? I like my job and want to keep it and raising a stink over something this petty seems silly. I also know it’s not directed at me (though it somehow feels like it is) and that the fact that I still can listen to music is a luxury a lot of office workers don’t have. I need to appreciate the little perks I get with my job, aside from a paycheck and insurance, and just let this roll. Right?
Doesn’t it feel like our time is running out?
I’ve had the most fucked up few days ever.
I have gallstones, but not bad enough to require immediate surgery, and I’ve done a great job of taking care of my diet and such for about five months. Sunday I had a pretty bad attack, thought I was going to pass out and die in my bathroom (and my roommate wasn’t even home)… but I’m all better now. I ate something I shouldn’t have, but I found out later it wasn’t entirely my fault, as my roommate said the last few times she’d eaten at the same place I had she’d not felt well afterwards. That place is crossed off my list now. Ugh.
No one likes being sick, but I really hate it because I have a ridiculous irrational fear of doctors and such. Sometimes even getting my eyes checked freaks me out and I have a panic attack. I know I need to suck it up and have my gallbladder removed, and I will – I actually think it’ll be sometimes this summer – but my problem is this… If I feel ok when I go to the hospital, I won’t let them do an IV, which is necessary to check blood levels, etc. Last time I went my gallbladder attack was over, so I was just exhausted and wanted to make sure that’s what it was. Well, it was, I am packed with gallstones, but I wouldn’t let the nurse do an IV. I legit just start crying and shaking and rocking like some freak when they touch me.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Prior to about 3 years ago I’d never had an IV, never been in the ER (except for a broken arm in first grade), and never had any kind of surgery at all. That all changed when I found out I had a “very large” tumor on my ovary. I was in the ER around 5am and by 1pm I was in surgery. I survived, I’m fine, it was non-cancerous. Most importantly, I’ve already proved to myself I can go through something very traumatic and live and be ok. Then last year I had major dental surgery. Again, I survived and I’m fine. Again, the whole process leading up to it wasn’t pretty, I would cry when they did an exam and literally were doing nothing to me but looking in my mouth.
But when I think about going to get this done, yet another medical procedure, it’s like my body wants to shut down. How can I willingly let someone poke me with needles and take my blood? Or worse, cut me open and remove parts of me?
I have control issues. Big time control issues.
I know I need to get this taken care of, I just don’t know how to do it. And I also feel like I’d gone so long with no medical procedures and now I’m looking at my third one in three years. What if the first one set all this in motion? What comes after this?
I’m scared.
Friendless Loser
Just another weekend where I’m reminded I’m a friendless loser. My so-called friends are all out having lives, doing things, spending time with their families and I’m sitting at home with my cat watching a movie that I own on DVD on one of the movie channels because I’m too pathetic to get up and put in a DVD.
Also, just recently my weekend plans, made a few months ago, were broken because the other person suddenly found out they had something to do tomorrow instead of hang with me for something that’s already been paid for. Sweet. That’s just awesome.
Well then… my life is a big ball of shit.
Nothing left inside of my chest
I am…. I don’t even know how to finish that statement. I’m kind of all over the place.
I’ve found this semi-comfortable balance of more or less throwing myself into work Monday-Friday. For me having a routine or schedule is good. A schedules helps my quite scattered brain keep focused on something. Â I go to work at the same time, come home at the same time, eat at the same time, and try to go to bed at the same time.
My weekends are as unorganized as possible, I suppose. The last few months I’ve had things planned almost every weekend. It’s been great! Also tiresome having to be “on” and around my friends, or convincing myself not to impulse buy things. However, last weekend I did absolutely nothing and it was wonderful. I have no middle ground.
Umm, yeah, no idea what the purpose of any of that was. Anyway….
At my job we got a new hire today, a guy in a predominantly female workspace. Totally refreshing, first up. I get annoyed by other women very easily, so another dude is a very good thing. What doesn’t help is that he is totally nerd hot. One cannot simply have a crush on their co-worker! Then again, maybe it’ll make the workdays fly by. We have some similar interests so I have someone to chat with from time to time.
Chock my life up to a billion pounds of “what ifs”. Everything possible has already played out in my head.
“But I came back with the belief that everyone I love is gonna leave.” – fun. “All Alright”
Nomadic Head 