The scars run deep inside this tattooed body…

When I was about 23 I developed adult acne, which is pretty much the absolute worst thing ever.

OK maybe not, but it sure felt like it.

Not only was I overweight, now my face was covered in horrible, red, bulging, painful zits. There’s no way people didn’t notice, and while I don’t recall anyone ever saying anything to my face, it was one of the most traumatizing things in my life. Right on par with being bullied.

Eventually, I went to a dermatologist and got a whole regime of acne skin care medications that took care of it. The damage was done, though, psychologically.

During this time I felt disgusting. In my head, every person I encountered not only thought I was gross for being fat, they also thought I was dirty because of my skin. There I was in small town Wal-Mart, a fat dirty person.

I’m 12-13 years removed from it, and only have acne breakouts during PMS, yet I can still see the scars on my face. I realize they aren’t there, or if they are they aren’t very noticable to anyone else, but I see them. Every day. They haunt me. I frequently take pictures of myself, selfies, if you will, look at my skin then delete them because I look so gross and don’t want anyone to see my scars.

Body Dysmorphic Disorder at its finest, I presume.

After my surgery three years ago I was left with a large scar on my abdomen – similar to a C-section, but vertical. No one but my surgeon has seen me nude since then and the idea of someone seeing my scar is terrifying to me right now. Someone might see me nude this weekend and now I want to back out completely. I’m still fat, and now my body is all scarred up. Who the fuck would want me?

Alone together, part 2

After posting yesterday it dawned on me that I ended up going off on a rant about one thing, when I meant to post about something entirely different. So, here’s what I had actually intended to write about!

One of my friends who is roughly my age got married yesterday. I saw the pics on Facebook and it all looked beautiful. They’re happy and I’m happy for them. I’m also envious. I want that to be my life. I want to find the person I’ll spend the rest of my life with. No, that is not some delusional society ingrained girl talk. When I get married I will not get divorced. Too many people divorce nowadays over the stupidest shit and I don’t believe in that. Marriage is something you work at and something that is ever-changing. To get divorced without trying to mend what has gone wrong is simply giving up. I don’t do that.

Yes, there are absolutely viable reasons people should get divorced, I see nothing wrong with that. That is also their life and it’s not my place to tell them what to do. I just know what’s right for me. (And no, before someone asks, this is in no way religion-based, I think all of that is total bullshit.)

Anyway, I feel like the only single person I know. Literally everyone I know is in some kind of relationship and dammit, I want that. I’m a good person, and there’s absolutely no reason someone shouldn’t be interested in me. I’m not seeking perfection, because that’s a myth. No one is perfect. I’m seeking the person that is perfect for me, though.  Yeah, I sound like a mushy broad, deal with it. It can’t all be physical, either. Sure, I’m overweight and I’m not very feminine, but every day I see people who are bigger than me, or less attractive than me, who are in relationships. That’s how I know it’s not all physical.

Then there’s the kids thing. I’ve never wanted to have children, as in physically give birth. That terrifies me. All of that pain and suffering and destroying my body? No thanks. I’m open to meeting someone who already has kids, and I’m also open to adopting.

Besides Bipolar, I know obesity and diabetes run in my family, as does high blood pressure and heart issues (those are all kind of tied together, really). I don’t want to bring a kid into the world who may be Bipolar and fucked up like me, or worse than me, and have to tell them that it’s my fault they have this disease. That I knowingly passed the genes along to them that could potentially fuck them up.

Then there are times where I think that having children would be kind of cool. I’d get to have a little me to raise and hopefully learn from my parents’ mistakes. I envision my imaginary kid as intelligent, open-minded, and into a lot of the same geeky past times as myself and its potential father are. The possibilities are endless, right?

I’m also kind of weird and want to have a boy. Unless you adopt you don’t really get to pick that. I say I want a boy because, being female, I know how fucking awful it is being a young girl, and can only imagine how hard it is to raise one. Then I feel guilty because I truly believe my dad wasn’t a part of my life because I was born a girl. If I’d have been a boy, like he wanted, he would’ve loved me more, and wow, I’m such a hypocrite, right? Before I even have a potential mate I’m already saying I wouldn’t want a girl child. I’m a terrible person.

What’s a girl to do when they want so many “normal” things, yet are one of the most un-normal people there is? Times like this I really hate being Bipolar. I wish I wasn’t so weird and difficult for people to be around.I want to know what it’s like to not have all these terrifying visions in my head of how everything could go right, then go drastically wrong and crush my soul. There is a happy place inside my head but it keeps getting overrun by the rest of my brain that doesn’t want me to be happy.

How can someone like me ever expect to be loved?

Let’s be alone together

Cut me off
I lost my track
It’s not my fault
I’m a maniac it’s not funny anymore
No it’s not
My heart is like a stallion
They love it more when it’s broke in
Do you wanna feel beautiful
Do you wanna

“Alone Together” – Fall Out Boy

I am absolutely sick of being alone. I’ve never been one of those people who think that if I’m not in a relationship I’m not complete, or whatever. I’m don’t think, “oh, I’ll never be happy unless I’m with someone”. No, it’s not that at all.

After many years separated from my ex, about 14 actually, and before you say, “wow, how pathetic are you?”, keep in mind that my Bipolar came crushing down on me a year or two after we split and for many years I was simply struggling to stay alive. That point in my life was no time for romantic relationships, I could barely keep friendships going.

I learned a lot being with my ex. Most importantly I learned the person I do NOT want to be in a relationship. I was also 19 when we started dating – young and dumb – and those were mistakes I needed to make to grow into the person I am today. For all my stupidity back then, it was actually a good time in my life.

Now I know what I want and need in my life. I know what I will not put up with, and I have enough life experience under my belt to be able to say, “I like you, you’re a good person, but a relationship between us will never work because you don’t have enough respect for our relationship”. I don’t think enough women, in particular, are willing to say that or back it up.

Women are taught from an early age that we require a man in our lives to complete us, to rescue us, or that we aren’t complete women until we have a husband and children. Sorry, that’s incorrect.

All women (and men) need to do what’s right for them as individual human beings. Some of us will never marry, and that’s ok. Some of us may marry or be in committed relationships but never have children, and that’s ok. Some of us will have kids and never marry, and that’s ok.  There is no universal right answer.

It’s ok to be a slut! Just be honest about your sluttery. Don’t lead people on and make them think you want a relationship just to sleep with them. There are plenty of folks who only want physical relationships, and that’s totally cool. The same on the other side, all you monogamists. Don’t try to “change” the sluts, there’s nothing wrong with them! Basically, what I’m saying here is don’t fuck over or fuck up someone else because you’re insecure about who you are. Celebrate who you are, it’s ok to be you!

But back to my original topic…

I know that I’m a monogamist with a few slutty tendencies (nothing wrong with a threesome from time to time, right?). I also know that I want a partner, most likely male, who believes the same things I do about relationships. Yes, I want to get married eventually, no, I don’t really want to have kids. I don’t think traditional gender roles are cool (unless it’s killing spiders, cause bro, that’s all you!), and I don’t think relationships should be “equal”. Relationships should be 100% from both sides. Why would I only give the person I love half of me? Makes no sense. I’m all in.

I’m kind of lucky because I’m close with someone who thinks the same way as I do about relationships, however, I’m pretty sure he only thinks of me as a friend. I’m too shy and insecure to put myself out there to potentially lose the person who has become my best friend. Funny thing is recently another guy has shown interest, and he’s someone I’d really only want a physical relationship with. It feels so good to be wanted, even for sex (and I don’t feel “used” because it’s a mutual thing). We’ve made some plans and I’m all for it. Then I start feeling guilty, like I’d be cheating on the first guy, yet we aren’t even going out. I can’t stand cheaters and don’t want to be that person, even by accident.

What the hell do I do?

Because of summer?

Most people get that “I’m bummed in the winter” thing, which I so don’t understand. Winter is the best. I am obviously the opposite. I get bummed in the summer. It’s so fucking hot that I can’t even open the door without feeling like I’m going to die. Perhaps if I lived in the north I wouldn’t loathe the summer so much. But hey, I live in the South and the summer fucking sucks. It’s the worst thing ever. Heat stroke, sunburn, mosquitos, scorpions, snakes, poison ivy… yeah, let’s go outside! Oh wait, no, fuck that shit.

Anyway, summer has me hating life. All I want to do is go to work in the a/c then come straight home back into the a/c. I have no desire to go to the store or run errands because that means time in the 100+ degree heat.

It probably doesn’t help that I currently have my period, which fucks with everything including my body temp (Sorry, male readers, but these are facts). I’m constantly hot and feel bloated and gross and hate myself… and that’s lead me to some curiosity about things.

First, are normal hormone fluctuations, like one experiences during their period, more drastic in Bipolar people? I feel like they probably are. I also feel like, personally, each month is different as far as how badly I swing manic or depressed during PMS. I assume it differs because of where things fall on my normal Bipolar cycling or something of that nature.

Second, do Bipolar men experience mental symptoms similar to PMS, since the drastic mood swings and whatnot we Bipolars have are similar to PMS (at least in my experience).

Yes, I realize this is a broad generalization, but I’m still curious what others have experienced or think about the topic. I tend to think Bipolar men can actually relate more to the generic “woman” because of the similarities of mood cycling.

Thoughts?

Turning Points

I frequently read a blog called Marc and Angel Hack Life that is positive and can be quite uplifting, without being overly preachy or cheerleadery. It’s a good, positive blog that also uses Twitter to RT other positive blogs and such.

Today they RT’d a post titled “What was the biggest turning point in your life?”. This article referenced the creator of Wikipedia and how he succeeded, etc., however, I immediately started thinking about turning points in my life. I don’t know if I’ve had that one big turning point, be it professional or personal, but I know I’ve experienced small ones that have helped shape who I am today.

To paraphrase, the post said how rarely is life one big turning point (i.e. I was just discovered singing on the street and now have a record deal) and is more about how the small decisions you make every day shape your life down the road. I absolutely agree with this!

For me there have been many small turning points, but I think I’ll just briefly discuss two more recent happenings that I truly feel have made me who I am today.

First, about 3-4 years ago I made the conscious decision to stop being negative. I was a very negative person – everything sucked, I hated myself and everyone around me, yet I constantly wondered why everything in my life was awful. Duh, self, it’s because if you swim in this pool of negativity you’ll always be surrounded by it! So, I stopped. I became negative about negativity. This was not easy or an overnight process, either. It was probably close to year a consciously working on changing my entire frame of mind about life that I finally saw positive things coming my way.

I didn’t like who I was, and the way I figured that out was seeing these traits in people I should have, or did, admire. Like my father. We’ve never been close, my parents divorced when I was very young, but about 4-5 years ago I saw him for the first time in a decade and saw how he was interacting with people. He would cut them off mid-conversation because he wasn’t “through talking yet” and basically was a gigantic a-hole jerk. I was appalled, not just because this was my father, but because I realized, “holy shit, I do these things too!”. I was mortified at this reflection of my own behavior. That is the moment I made the decision to change my outlook on life.

Now, I live my life with a PMA (positive mental attitude). Yes, things still suck and go wrong, but I don’t let it get to me. Just because you step in a puddle or have a bad day at work or a friend says something rude to you doesn’t mean that small incident will matter in 6 months or a year. If that’s the case, why let it suck all of your positive energy out now, when you know in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter.

The second turning point in my life happened about 6 months after I’d made this decision to change my mindset. I ended up in the ER and had to have immediate surgery to remove tumor attached to my ovary (the ovary was also removed and the tumor ended up being non-cancerous). I know I’ve mentioned this surgery before and it truly was a life-changing experience. It was the first time I ever thought I literally might die. I have a deep fear of doctors/dentists and had never had an I.V., much less surgery, before this. I recall telling my surgeon beforehand that I was scared I wouldn’t wake up. She said I would, and she was right.

Female readers will understand how delicate the balance of hormones is. Now imagine getting one of your ovaries removed and all of your hormone-regulating girly parts jiggled about in surgery. Oh, and don’t forget that you’re also unmedicated bipolar. It was, in a word, awful, both physically and emotionally. Healing from any type of invasive surgery is tough (this was not laproscopic, it was cut open your abdomen surgery) on you physically. I couldn’t do anything for myself for weeks. My roommate even would make me soup and stuff because I couldn’t stand long enough to do it.

Healing from female-type surgery is double hard because it throws your hormones all out of whack. I had just about as bad of a time with this as I could imagine anyone having. Usually during the daytime I was ok, but once it was nighttime I would be hit with a crushing dive into depression that I don’t know how I survived. I would sit in my room and cry (and I’m not a crier) and wonder what was wrong with me and what I’d done wrong to deserve this giant tumor and why my life sucked and I couldn’t work or get any disability or food stamps while I healed, etc.

I was also the most paranoid person on the planet. The paranoia would make giant leaps of ridiculousness. For example, I’d call my mom, she didn’t answer. The logical “she’s at work” or “she’s out doing something” went right out the window and immediately became, “OMG my mom is dead in her house and no one is there! Should I call the local sheriff’s to go by the house and check on her? What if the cats are eating her body!?”. No, I’m not exaggerating, that’s how it went.

Luckily I have some incredible friends, one in particular who I would text frequently and she would help talk me through those low-lows. I don’t think I would’ve made it through that without her, because it was some of the most irrational paranoia, depression, and fear I’ve ever experienced.

Those two events were turning points in my life in completely different ways, but have also taught me a lot in a short number of years about who I am and who I want to be.

I want to be the friend someone can call at 2am because they’re hurting and need someone to talk to who will listen and try to help them turn a negative into a positive. I want to live my life in a positive way so I don’t drive people away like I used to. I want to keep the friends I currently have and have them be proud to be my friend. I want to be proud of the way I live my life. Lastly, I want to love myself for the first time since I was a kid. #PMA

Dying of sick

Not really. But I am having wicked allergies and they’re making it hard to function.

Boourns, allergies, boourns.

Seriously, life?

There are/have been a number of people I’ve been interested in over the last couple of years. I have this issue where I never tell people I like them for one of two reasons.

First, I expect rejection, so why put myself out there? I know it will happen, thus, I don’t let it happen. It’s not worth the self-hate. I can simply admire and semi-obsess from afar and not get hurt.

Second, I have this habit of falling for friends. Falling for friends makes sense if you think about it. You know the person well. You know more than the superficial “Oh, s/he’s hot” thing that most people use to find a date. In theory you know the real them and that’s what makes it easy to fall for them.

Once I fall for a friend I hesitate to say anything because by that point I’m invested in the friendship. Telling them I’m interested runs the risk of number one happening – them obviously not being interested – as well as the risk of losing a good friendship.

That’s the boat I’m in.

A guy I’ve been interested in for awhile, and actually told, announced today he’s in a relationship with some girl. Realistically it would not have worked, mostly for geographic reasons. He lives in one city and has a good job he wouldn’t leave, I live 5-6 hours away in another city and also have a good job I won’t leave. I’m not even disappointed. I’m a little surprised, but ultimately I’m happy for him, I’m just taking this revelation a little rougher than is normal.

I think it’s because I’ve had this intense desire for a real relationship lately. I’m still interested in another guy who’s younger. No idea where that’s going, if anywhere, and that’s cool. Then there’s a third guy who I’ve not known long. I really only think I’m physically attracted to him. I can’t say a real relationship would last long, but I’d probably try. However, a physical relationship would be fantastic.

I want to be wanted. I haven’t felt wanted in forever.

Sex on the brain

I really wanted to title this something like “ALL THAT FUCKING!” but thought it might offend people. HA!

Anyway, I have this impending feeling of something bad on the horizon. Maybe not this week, maybe not this month, but in the near future. We all go through our manic or depressed phases and generally can get along alright. We know our warning signs and how to deal with whatever may come. Right? Riiiiiight….

For a week or two all I’ve thought about is sex. Of course, we all do this many times I’m a day, but I mean almost to an obsessive level. I’m not talking about “oh, I’ve been watching porn every day” or something like that, I mean I’m thinking about it and who I would and would not fuck. Like right now, if that person was in the same room as me. It’s not even a me wishing I was in a relationship so I could have sex with my partner situation. Nope, I just want to bang a few random people (people I know, I’ve never really been one who picked up guys at bars or anything), and explicitly make it known I want no relationship. Just boning.

The problem is I know this is out of character for me and I’m cognizant enough of it for it to set off a few alarms. Most likely I wouldn’t go through with it, however, what if I do? I’m planning a weekend trip next month where I will see one of the people I have the intense desire to hit and forget, and come on, he’s a guy, you know he’d be down for that. How do I stop myself? Should I stop myself? I want to feel wanted and desired for a change. I won’t feel used because I’m the one initiating it. I’d be the one using him to get what I want. I already know that I wouldn’t want a relationship with this particular guy, namely because we live about a 5 hour drive apart and I’m not moving. Physically he’s what I want, emotionally is an entirely different story. But fuck emotions.

I just don’t know what to make of this. All these RAWR BANG PEOPLE thoughts on one hand, while there is still that one person I actually want a real relationship with.

What the fuck do I do?

Alone

While I had a wonderful vacation, I must say I’ve felt nothing short of completely alone since I returned home.

I had a small birthday event planned and all but one person ditched me and only one of them bothered to let me know they wouldn’t be able to make it. The rest just didn’t show up. Of course, I’m very grateful for the one person that did show up and we had a great time, I just can’t believe people who claim to be friends, who were invited to and committed to an event (a very cheap one, only $7-12/person) simply couldn’t be bothered.

Birthday’s aren’t a big deal, I suppose, but I had truly been looking forward to it. It wasn’t about cards or presents, it was about spending some time with people whose company I enjoy.

Fast forward to today, my best friends and sometimes writing partners have ditched me. I took the time to start some team writing for us that they were all gung-ho about, yet there have been zero replies or even the slightest bit of discussion about how we want the story to go.

What the fuck is wrong with me that people who claim to be friends don’t even want to spend time online with me?

Is it a sign that every single person I know is a fucking asshole or am I the fucking asshole? Do I not deserve friends? Should I ditch them and make new friends?

Vacation Woes

Sure, vacation seems like a great idea, and usually is, but then there are those moments where you just want to stab the people you came to see. I love my friends and family dearly, but Christ, quit putting on some show you think is for my benefit.

Yes, I am quiet, stop asking me if I’m ok, or bored, or whatever. That’s fucking annoying. If I don’t like something, believe me, you will know.

Don’t force me to pick something “because I’m the guest”. That’s bullshit and puts me on the fucking spot. It’s your house, choose a DVD to watch already. We’re both going out to eat, just pick something since you know what’s around here and I don’t. Asking me, “what do you want” 14 times accomplishes nothing.

If we only get to spend a few days together every year or so, why would you sleep in half the day? I mean, I love sleep, but the one time I intentionally get up early is on vacation because I want to do and see as much as possible during my once or twice a year break from work! You sleeping til noon just tells me you don’t give a shit that I’m here and I’m an inconvenience to your oh so special routine. Sorry I messed that up. Now you’ve given me a reason to never want to visit you again.

Ugh, I’m kind of ready to be home already.