Part two of our drug saga finds us having just said no to prescription meds and feeling all the better for it…
Aside from a month-ish diversion, I’m very happy that I have been medication-free for almost 6 years. I also recognize that not everyone can be. Maybe sometimes I shouldn’t be.
A few months ago I was having a tough time and sought out counseling. More than anything I needed someone to talk to to get my frustrations out. The only things I really recall from the few sessions I had were the counselor telling me two things:
1. You show an extreme amount of self-control.
2. You would make an interesting case study.
I’m not entirely sure either of these are “good” things. The self-control is constant. My disease takes over if I’m not in control of everything I’m doing. This is one of the things I’ve learned about being unmedicated. I can’t let myself fall into comfortable bad behavior patterns. If my disease takes over, I will lose everything I have. I don’t have that much and I aim to keep what I have. The counselor pointing it out, however, made me realize that I am pretty much in control all the time. That’s not so good. I can’t let myself relax, at least not outside my house, because I always expect the worst when that happens.
Honestly, I hate it. I want to have fun like I used to. Unfortunately, having fun usually means spending money, drinking, or lots of other bad things that I can’t allow myself to do.
The second statement actually interests me. I would love to be the subject of a thorough PhD level case study. If anyone knows someone… hit me up.
Now, to return to the topic at hand.
I love drugs, guys. I really do. Not being prescription medicated does tend to lead to self-medicating, which is not a good thing. Everything in moderation though, right? I’m a fan of pain killers, muscle relaxers, weed, and alcohol. Not at the same time though. I even self-medicate in a controlled manner. Geez, I’m a weirdo.
**I’m in no way advocating drug and alcohol use, it’s really bad for you and all that, but I can only dictate what I do. Everyone else needs to take care of themselves.**
I don’t pretend to know anything about drugs of any type, all I can do is speak from experience. Pain killers make me a hell of a lot nicer – a friend who works in the pharmacology field said they do that for everyone and that’s why people abuse them. Muscle relaxers help me be able to sleep, as does Tylenol PM, but the muscle relaxers don’t leave me super drowsy the next day. I don’t think weed effects me the same way it does non-Bipolar people. I don’t really get high or all giggly and stupid like other people, it just makes me feel more even and “normal”.
Lastly, alcohol. I have a problem with alcohol. My problem is this… if I’m at a bar or restaurant, I can have A drink, no problem. If I’m at home where I have a bottle of liquor, something in my head says, “well, that’s ONE, so you better finish it so it’s not wasted”. My brain has no portion control setting. I have this problem with food, too.
All of this control is exhausting. It’s like I’m an actor who’s always on. I’d like to be normal for awhile, have some fun, and maybe be more attractive to someone so I could have a date from time to time. Instead, I’m a serious control freak who doesn’t go out much for fear of fucking up my life yet again.
Nomadic Head 