Friday Night Drinks

Here I sit, drinking alone on a Friday night watching the X-Games. WHOOO! I know how to fucking party!

I get some brownie points for leaving the house to obtain alcohol, right? Then I had to stop at the store for some mixers and water. So, there is that. But fuck it, what I really wanted to do tonight was get drunk and chill, so that’s what I’m gonna do.

I’m not depressed, I’m not manic, I just am. I told one of my best friends at work about my mom’s situation today. She was sympathetic like I knew she would be. Funny enough I posted on my personal, non-anonymous social media and exactly one person replied.

Like, fuck it, shit’s blowing up all over the country so things effecting me aren’t important, right? That’s kind of how I feel. I’m sorry bad things are happening all over the place, but this is a first world country and we need to learn how to deal as a people. Unfortunately, things like bombings happen other places in the world on a daily basis, and life goes on. I truly feel like Americans buy into the whole media onslaught of hype and fear mongering, following every move of the police on tv or police scanners, then live tweeting it…. and for what? To make yourself more angry, more scared, more frustrated that you live in Oregon and can’t go volunteer in Boston or Texas?

You know what? Fuck that shit. I have watched not one minute of any of this coverage and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t believe that “all brown people want to kill white Americans” like apparently the rest of the country thinks. That’s some backwoods racist bullshit.

But whatever, I’m not here to talk about that, I’m here to talk about getting drunk to not deal with my issues! My point was that my at-work friend was sympathetic, while my other real life friends didn’t even acknowledge what I’d said. Not a one. Not people I’ve known for 20-something years who know my mother, even.

This week was not all that good. In addition to the stuff with my mother I also had some expensive dental work break. Removable dental work, nothing in my mouth actually broke and I’m very grateful, but the fact that it broke was rather annoying. What happened when I said something about it? One “friend” said “why don’t you get over it? Ha ha.” Really? Suck my fucking dick. Maybe if this dental piece wasn’t over $1,000, or I could afford to replace it, then it wouldn’t be a big deal, but the fact is it’s expensive and I can’t afford to replace it. But really, why would you say something like that to a friend?

I realize by now I’m pretty much just rambling about bullshit because I’ve had no one to actually say this to. Sorry, bloggy friends. You’re super dope for reading all of this if you actually did. 🙂

Hero of the Day

Don’t want your aid
But the fist I’ve made
For years can’t hold or feel
No, I’m not all me
So please excuse me
While I tend to how I feel

I knew riding the good wave wouldn’t last forever.

Yesterday I spent the day with my mom and one of my best friends. It was a really great day! However, my mom told me some news that I didn’t fully process until today. At work. I spent half the day in my cube quietly crying while doing my work. I did get things done, so at least my day wasn’t wasted.

My mom, who is my everything – single mom who at times worked three jobs to support us – told me she has Mild Cognitive Impairment, which could be a pre-cursor to Alzheimer’s.

The key word is could. I’m going to busy myself by reading up on this as much as possible and finding out what she can do now to slow the process, if it indeed does lead to Alzheimer’s.

My mom is the toughest broad I know. No lie. She has survived brain surgery and the front lines of war, as well as inner-city middle schools. I can’t let her brain take her down, not without a fight, because she wouldn’t let mine take me down. She kept me alive, literally, at the darkest times of my Bipolar, and I’m going to do the same for her.

But fuck, today was hard, because no matter what I do, my brain works overtime to go through every possible scenario. At times that’s good; I feel like even when bad things happen my brain has prepared me for it. Other times it’s not so good; I’m left with all this sorrow and pain for things that haven’t happened yet and ma never will.

All I want to do right now is drown this pain in a big bottle of booze and a few select pills.

Episode II – Drugs & Other Drugs

Part two of our drug saga finds us having just said no to prescription meds and feeling all the better for it…

Aside from a month-ish diversion, I’m very happy that I have been medication-free for almost 6 years. I also recognize that not everyone can be. Maybe sometimes I shouldn’t be.

A few months ago I was having a tough time and sought out counseling. More than anything I needed someone to talk to to get my frustrations out. The only things I really recall from the few sessions I had were the counselor telling me two things:

1. You show an extreme amount of self-control.

2. You would make an interesting case study.

I’m not entirely sure either of these are “good” things. The self-control is constant. My disease takes over if I’m not in control of everything I’m doing. This is one of the things I’ve learned about being unmedicated. I can’t let myself fall into comfortable bad behavior patterns. If my disease takes over, I will lose everything I have. I don’t have that much and I aim to keep what I have. The counselor pointing it out, however, made me realize that I am pretty much in control all the time. That’s not so good. I can’t let myself relax, at least not outside my house, because I always expect the worst when that happens.

Honestly, I hate it. I want to have fun like I used to. Unfortunately, having fun usually means spending money, drinking, or lots of other bad things that I can’t allow myself to do.

The second statement actually interests me. I would love to be the subject of a thorough PhD level case study. If anyone knows someone… hit me up.

Now, to return to the topic at hand.

I love drugs, guys. I really do. Not being prescription medicated does tend to lead to self-medicating, which is not a good thing. Everything in moderation though, right? I’m a fan of pain killers, muscle relaxers, weed, and alcohol. Not at the same time though. I even self-medicate in a controlled manner. Geez, I’m a weirdo.

**I’m in no way advocating drug and alcohol use, it’s really bad for you and all that, but I can only dictate what I do. Everyone else needs to take care of themselves.**

I don’t pretend to know anything about drugs of any type, all I can do is speak from experience. Pain killers make me a hell of a lot nicer – a friend who works in the pharmacology field said they do that for everyone and that’s why people abuse them. Muscle relaxers help me be able to sleep, as does Tylenol PM, but the muscle relaxers don’t leave me super drowsy the next day. I don’t think weed effects me the same way it does non-Bipolar people. I don’t really get high or all giggly and stupid like other people, it just makes me feel more even and “normal”.

Lastly, alcohol. I have a problem with alcohol. My problem is this… if I’m at a bar or restaurant, I can have A drink, no problem. If I’m at home where I have a bottle of liquor, something in my head says, “well, that’s ONE, so you better finish it so it’s not wasted”. My brain has no portion control setting. I have this problem with food, too.

All of this control is exhausting. It’s like I’m an actor who’s always on. I’d like to be normal for awhile, have some fun, and maybe be more attractive to someone so I could have a date from time to time. Instead, I’m a serious control freak who doesn’t go out much for fear of fucking up my life yet again.