Call of the Un-Wild

For the past 1-2 months I’ve been getting frequent migraines. I’ve never had them before, at least not consistently, but I’ve been getting them at least once a week, and to be honest, I’m concerned.

Friday I decided to buck it up and go to the doctor. Not easy since I don’t actually have a doctor. Many years without insurance will do that to you. Now that I have insurance, it’s high time I get a regular doctor, just in case.  I did that Friday, and she’s actually pretty great.

The verdict is I’m having tension headaches, not actual migraines, but because of family medical history I’m still concerned it could be something more serious like an impending stroke or tumor. However, as I’ve established here, I’m pretty paranoid when it comes to medical things.

Anyway, the doctor gave me a few options for dealing with the headaches, one of which is an anti-depressant. According to her she has a couple of patients who take a low dose of 10mg/day, and after suffering from severe migraines have been headache free for over a year. As promising as that sounds, I had to decline for the time being. Psycho meds aren’t something I want to re-introduce into my body.

I told her I’m unmedicated Bipolar and my reasons for not wanting to be on them, and she was much more accepting of this than I’d expected. There is also a sort of standing offer for her to prescribe for me, instead of a Psychiatrist, if I ever choose to go back on medications. I suppose that’s good to have in my back pocket if something should ever happen, I just hope I never have to do it.

The truth is, she sent in a scrip for a muscle relaxer (to help the tension headaches) as well as the one for the anti-depressant, and I filled both. If the muscle relaxer and some deep tissue massage don’t help, maybe I’ll try the other option? I know I can’t live with these headaches at all, but do I really want to be medicated again? I was a zombie on meds. I did absolutely nothing for years, barely left my house for two years. Today I have a job I like and responsibilities. I can’t put that in jeopardy. Right? That would be stupid.

Episode II – Drugs & Other Drugs

Part two of our drug saga finds us having just said no to prescription meds and feeling all the better for it…

Aside from a month-ish diversion, I’m very happy that I have been medication-free for almost 6 years. I also recognize that not everyone can be. Maybe sometimes I shouldn’t be.

A few months ago I was having a tough time and sought out counseling. More than anything I needed someone to talk to to get my frustrations out. The only things I really recall from the few sessions I had were the counselor telling me two things:

1. You show an extreme amount of self-control.

2. You would make an interesting case study.

I’m not entirely sure either of these are “good” things. The self-control is constant. My disease takes over if I’m not in control of everything I’m doing. This is one of the things I’ve learned about being unmedicated. I can’t let myself fall into comfortable bad behavior patterns. If my disease takes over, I will lose everything I have. I don’t have that much and I aim to keep what I have. The counselor pointing it out, however, made me realize that I am pretty much in control all the time. That’s not so good. I can’t let myself relax, at least not outside my house, because I always expect the worst when that happens.

Honestly, I hate it. I want to have fun like I used to. Unfortunately, having fun usually means spending money, drinking, or lots of other bad things that I can’t allow myself to do.

The second statement actually interests me. I would love to be the subject of a thorough PhD level case study. If anyone knows someone… hit me up.

Now, to return to the topic at hand.

I love drugs, guys. I really do. Not being prescription medicated does tend to lead to self-medicating, which is not a good thing. Everything in moderation though, right? I’m a fan of pain killers, muscle relaxers, weed, and alcohol. Not at the same time though. I even self-medicate in a controlled manner. Geez, I’m a weirdo.

**I’m in no way advocating drug and alcohol use, it’s really bad for you and all that, but I can only dictate what I do. Everyone else needs to take care of themselves.**

I don’t pretend to know anything about drugs of any type, all I can do is speak from experience. Pain killers make me a hell of a lot nicer – a friend who works in the pharmacology field said they do that for everyone and that’s why people abuse them. Muscle relaxers help me be able to sleep, as does Tylenol PM, but the muscle relaxers don’t leave me super drowsy the next day. I don’t think weed effects me the same way it does non-Bipolar people. I don’t really get high or all giggly and stupid like other people, it just makes me feel more even and “normal”.

Lastly, alcohol. I have a problem with alcohol. My problem is this… if I’m at a bar or restaurant, I can have A drink, no problem. If I’m at home where I have a bottle of liquor, something in my head says, “well, that’s ONE, so you better finish it so it’s not wasted”. My brain has no portion control setting. I have this problem with food, too.

All of this control is exhausting. It’s like I’m an actor who’s always on. I’d like to be normal for awhile, have some fun, and maybe be more attractive to someone so I could have a date from time to time. Instead, I’m a serious control freak who doesn’t go out much for fear of fucking up my life yet again.

Episode I – Drugs & Other Drugs

For as long as I can remember I’ve been counseled, medicated, and otherwise forced to conform.

I think I was an adult before I was actually medicated, but I’ve run through the gamut since turning 18. My memory isn’t so good, but I’m positive there was Prozac and Paxil when it was thought I just had Depression.

My Bipolar breaking point came in 2002. I’d moved out of state for a job and was all on my own for the first time ever. About 6 months into the job I bottomed out and ended up at a county mental health facility at 2 a.m. From there I started seeing a counselor and taking Effexor XR. Again the therapist suggested I had Depression, but I knew there had to be more to it, so I did research. Internet research, of course.

This is when I stumbled upon Bipolar Disorder. The first time I suggested it to the counselor he said, “when people read about diseases, they tend to think they have them,” as if I were a first year Psychology or Med student. Stupidly, I let him brush aside what I knew had to be true.

Fast forward to March 2003. I had triumphantly quit my out of state job, after my boss had threatened me, and moved back home. Trouble was, I needed my meds and had no way to get them. This time I went to the local MHMR office to receive my Effexor XR and counseling. Within three sessions my counselor said, “has anyone ever told you you may be Bipolar?”. I laughed and told her about my self-diagnosis. She didn’t dismiss me and I felt vindicated.

At this point Topamax was added to my drug regimen. It didn’t take long for the side effects of Topamax to kick in. Topamax made me incredibly violent. As in, someone cut me off in traffic and I followed them for ten miles before realizing what I was doing and going home. I immediately called and told them, they said stop taking the Topamax immediately. I did and I felt far less violent.

Trileptal was the next mood stabilizer that was tried and it was pretty successful. A few months later Wellbutrin was thrown in to counter the side effects of the first two meds. Bad idea. Wellbutrin nearly killed me. My blood pressure was in “stroke range”. The whole time I just thought I’d been super tired. Everything exhausted me because my body was working so hard. Before this my blood pressure had always been a low normal – pretty good for a fat person. This is why, if you’re medicated, you need to make sure you’re checking in with your provider to make sure you’re ok. I immediately stopped Wellbutrin and had to monitor my blood pressure for a couple of weeks and within a week it was back within a normal range.

I continued the Effexor XR/Tripleptal combo until April 15, 2007.

Here’s the thing about medication. Some people need it and must be on it. I was like that for those first few years. Somewhere along the way the meds stopped working, or perhaps worked too well. I became a zombie. I couldn’t leave my house, much less work, I gained considerable weight, I didn’t have feelings or emotions, and I was quickly spiraling down into something very bad. Around January of February of 2007 I started realizing it and began slowly weening myself off of the meds. I’d see how long I could go before the withdrawals were too much to bear, then I’d take another pill. It started as just over 24 hours, then two days, then a few more, until I was able to safely (in my opinion) stop taking them. The last few were on very bad days where I thought I needed extra help.

Within two weeks of stopping meds I was taking the necessary steps to get myself back into college and I had a job. It was a minimum wage, food service job, but considering I hadn’t worked in a few years, I was very pleased.

I’d like to say that was the last time I took medication for my Bipolar, but in 2009 I was having a tough time and sought out some counseling help at school. Of course, all they wanted to do was medicate me, even though I made it clear I wanted no medication. I tried something or other that started with a C took it for about a month and wanted no more of that. All it did was make me incredibly manic for the initial 3-5 days of taking it. Sometimes when I’m manic it’s productive – I don’t sleep and I can get things done. I also start about a billion new projects that never are completed – but at the time I was a full-time student and was working full-time and I just didn’t have time to not sleep!

Aside from that digression I’ve been prescription meds free for nearly six years. Note the *prescription* part of that.

I’ve learned a lot about myself, my disease, and the relationship between us in the last decade. This is a topic I plan to delve deeper into in future posts.

…to be continued