Because of summer?

Most people get that “I’m bummed in the winter” thing, which I so don’t understand. Winter is the best. I am obviously the opposite. I get bummed in the summer. It’s so fucking hot that I can’t even open the door without feeling like I’m going to die. Perhaps if I lived in the north I wouldn’t loathe the summer so much. But hey, I live in the South and the summer fucking sucks. It’s the worst thing ever. Heat stroke, sunburn, mosquitos, scorpions, snakes, poison ivy… yeah, let’s go outside! Oh wait, no, fuck that shit.

Anyway, summer has me hating life. All I want to do is go to work in the a/c then come straight home back into the a/c. I have no desire to go to the store or run errands because that means time in the 100+ degree heat.

It probably doesn’t help that I currently have my period, which fucks with everything including my body temp (Sorry, male readers, but these are facts). I’m constantly hot and feel bloated and gross and hate myself… and that’s lead me to some curiosity about things.

First, are normal hormone fluctuations, like one experiences during their period, more drastic in Bipolar people? I feel like they probably are. I also feel like, personally, each month is different as far as how badly I swing manic or depressed during PMS. I assume it differs because of where things fall on my normal Bipolar cycling or something of that nature.

Second, do Bipolar men experience mental symptoms similar to PMS, since the drastic mood swings and whatnot we Bipolars have are similar to PMS (at least in my experience).

Yes, I realize this is a broad generalization, but I’m still curious what others have experienced or think about the topic. I tend to think Bipolar men can actually relate more to the generic “woman” because of the similarities of mood cycling.

Thoughts?

Sex on the brain

I really wanted to title this something like “ALL THAT FUCKING!” but thought it might offend people. HA!

Anyway, I have this impending feeling of something bad on the horizon. Maybe not this week, maybe not this month, but in the near future. We all go through our manic or depressed phases and generally can get along alright. We know our warning signs and how to deal with whatever may come. Right? Riiiiiight….

For a week or two all I’ve thought about is sex. Of course, we all do this many times I’m a day, but I mean almost to an obsessive level. I’m not talking about “oh, I’ve been watching porn every day” or something like that, I mean I’m thinking about it and who I would and would not fuck. Like right now, if that person was in the same room as me. It’s not even a me wishing I was in a relationship so I could have sex with my partner situation. Nope, I just want to bang a few random people (people I know, I’ve never really been one who picked up guys at bars or anything), and explicitly make it known I want no relationship. Just boning.

The problem is I know this is out of character for me and I’m cognizant enough of it for it to set off a few alarms. Most likely I wouldn’t go through with it, however, what if I do? I’m planning a weekend trip next month where I will see one of the people I have the intense desire to hit and forget, and come on, he’s a guy, you know he’d be down for that. How do I stop myself? Should I stop myself? I want to feel wanted and desired for a change. I won’t feel used because I’m the one initiating it. I’d be the one using him to get what I want. I already know that I wouldn’t want a relationship with this particular guy, namely because we live about a 5 hour drive apart and I’m not moving. Physically he’s what I want, emotionally is an entirely different story. But fuck emotions.

I just don’t know what to make of this. All these RAWR BANG PEOPLE thoughts on one hand, while there is still that one person I actually want a real relationship with.

What the fuck do I do?

DO ALL THE THINGS!

Swimmy head for a week has possibly lead to a mini-Manic swing.

I want to do things. Anything. I want to be out of my house, driving, attending things, making things, being at things…. then I remember I have to be at work tomorrow morning and should probably try to sleep instead of driving around the city getting up to shenanigans of all sorts.

What I really, really want is to be away. Another city, another place, another time, another me. Just away. Part of me wants to grab a friend and take off for a weekend, but a bigger part of me wants to go alone and be away from everyone.

I have this feeling I’m going to be up super late tonight, if I sleep at all. Blessing and curse. I will probably get things done tonight, maybe tackle some of this cleaning of my room I’ve been needing to do for months, but I’ll feel like shit tomorrow or whenever it is I come down from this.

FML. I hate that cliche phrase, but it fits at the moment.

Hoarding and Decluttering

I’ve never watched that show Hoarders, because I don’t get any enjoyment out of watching so-called reality tv, nor do I find joy in exploiting people who are sick. However,  I did see an episode of Degrassi: TNG a few years ago that really made me examine my hoarding tendencies.

Collector – that’s the term I use. I collect things: shot glasses, fridge magnets, DVDs, books, etc. I also am disorganized and generally don’t care if my living space is cluttered. My clutter may be a mess, but it’s not a gross mess. I don’t keep dishes, glasses, wrappers, or anything gross. I throw that stuff away or put it in the sink where it belongs. All the same – I’m a borderline hoarder and I accept it.

My main issue is that my stuff holds sentimental value. Sometimes for the person who gave it to me, or the place in time where I got it, or any other of a myriad of reasons. I become very attached to my stuff, so much so that it hurts to think of it not being around. Not to self-diagnose too much (who am I kidding, I do that all the time!), but I’ve suffered a lot of loss in my life. Stuff is my safe place. If I have stuff, I have something. I have something to hold onto that won’t leave me, won’t get sick, won’t die, won’t hurt me. I am Radar, my stuff is my teddy bear.

I’ve done an ok job of limiting my hoarding tendencies. I really, really would like to change my life and my view on “stuff” so I can live a minimalist, simplistic lifestyle in terms of “things”. I have yet to find a strategy that works to retraining my brain to recognize “I don’t need that”, though I have found ways that help curb my manic tendencies to impulse buy to make myself feel better.

First, I only buy online when I have a specific item(s) I have allowed myself to buy (if it’s cheaper online, if not I get it in person because that helps with instant gratification). If I’m in a store and want something that’s an impulse buy (i.e. not something on my list, or a pre-planned purchase) I pick whatever it is up and carry it with me while I do my shopping. Usually 5-10 minutes of lugging whatever it is around gives me time to think about why I think I want that item, and also usually makes me realize that whatever it is can wait until I’m sure I have the money for it.

No, this is not a fool-proof plan. Friends have said this strategy backfires for them, but for me, it generally works.

I would really like to employ some other strategies I’ve read about. Like folks who buy the item they want – say a new shirt – but when they get home they must dispose of one item from their home. Dispose, obviously means donating the item (if it’s something that can be donated), or if whatever you’re getting rid of is old and tatty, just toss it. Dispose of that item in the best way you can.

Another strategy I’ve read for people like me is to select an item for every year you’ve been alive (for example, this year I’ll be 35), place a tag on that item describing it’s significance to you, then invite your friends over for a reverse birthday party! Your friends write their names on the back of the tag of the item they’d like to take home. If only one person wants it, it’s theirs. If multiple people want it, they “bid” for it and the birthday boy/girl chooses who gets the item. To make it easier to transition to being without your beloved item, take a photo of you and your friend with the item. That way it’s always a part of you.

What kind of de-cluttering strategies do you use?

Worthlessness

Today was one of those days. You know the ones I mean.

Recently I got a promotion at work (yes, yay me!). The downside is I’m learning, well, not an entirely new job, but greatly expanding on what I’ve been doing with a lot of new tasks, while at the same time training someone from my old position to do the work I’d been doing. I’m not being helped by the fact that the person I’m training is much, much slower on the uptake than I am, so I end up spending an entire day on a task that should have taken a few hours at best (not bragging on my behalf, I just catch on very quickly in most cases). Compound that frustration with one of the longest low-lows I’ve had in years and boom – disaster is born!

I’m Bipolar Type II Rapid Cycling. Usually my lows last 3-4 days at best, then I sort of crash out, and am more or less even afterwards. Same with my mini-manic phases. I’m riding high for 3-4 days then I come down and literally crash out (as in sleep for at least 12 hours), then I’m good to go. More often than not I am either even or in a depression. I call my manic swings mini-manic because I can usually function pretty well, aside from not sleeping much, if at all. They’re not true “manic” swings like I’ve read others experience, so sometimes I don’t even like using that word. There’s no “worse” way to be Bipolar, neither manic nor depressed is any picnic, but I don’t want to mislabel what I experience.

Over the years I’ve learned some of my warning signs and do my best to take away temptations when I feel myself going manic. And yes, I can feel it. Not that I can describe it, but I know when I’m teetering on a manic episode. Sometimes it’s like that sneeze that won’t show up. My eyes are closed and I’m ready to sneeze…. and nothing. It’s not a great feeling. A portion of my brain has started being manic but the rest of me hasn’t caught up yet. I feel like I’m in limbo, like I’m literally about to fall off the ledge. I hate that feeling. When it gets that way sometimes I will purposely find a way to push myself over the edge because being manic is way better than the limbo thing, trust me.

Right now, though, I’m in this bad very low low. It’s been about 10 days and I can’t get out of this Bipolar spiral. My household chores have been slacking. It took me about 5 days to fully do 3 loads of laundry. I did them, then they sat in the laundry room until my roommate, saint that she is, shoved all my clean stuff in the basket and put it in my room. Then my cat vomited on my bed overnight, so I had to do more laundry and ended up getting all the previously cleaned things put away, bed stuff washed and put back on the bed. I also felt really guilty for not doing some things around the house so I made sure I got the laundry out of the way, dishes put away, and got our garbage out to the curb last night for trash day, and now I feel like much less of a slacker loser because I finally accomplished something.

This afternoon at work I didn’t quite have a panic attack – I didn’t have to run out of the building or anything – but I had a moment where I just couldn’t brain anymore. I had to stop and take a moment, then go ask a coworker to sit with me for a few minutes to make sure I was doing things right. Turns out I was, but I was overloaded from all the work frustrations and the depression swing.

Mainly, this post was for me to purge my brain of some of this crap. I can’t do anything about it, because there’s nothing anyone can do to stop a depression swing. I’ve done what I could – I got out of the house Saturday and Sunday to spend time with friends, be outside, and not just sit in my room thinking about how depressed I am. It helped a bit, but not enough.

I’m isolating. The “I should just die” thoughts are still hovering around me. I have zero patience for stupidity of any type.

Why isn’t there a “snap out of it!” button for Bipolar?

 

Seriously, dudes, if you are having suicidal thoughts or know someone who is, please call 911, someone you love and trust, go to your local ER, or visit To Write Love On Her Arms. YOU have a purpose and YOU are loved.